Lost in Love: An Open Letter to my Heartbreaks
Dear Men, Boys, and Children…
Most days are bad days. I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and judge my appearance. I log onto my social media and I look for the likes. I open up my dating apps and look for matches. I go onto Snapchat and look at how beautiful my friends are. And most days, I sit in my bed and wonder why you really ended things, or why you didn’t text me back last night, or why you’ve moved on so quickly, or why you’re in love with my friends and not with me. Most days are bad days… But the good days outweigh those.
On my good days, I know my self-worth. I know that I deserve better than to be used for sex, and quick bursts of love and confidence. These are the days when I know that I’m in a league of my own and it’s SO far from yours. Because I am good enough. On my good days, I know that I’m not girlfriend material… Because I’m wife material and most men my age, five years older, or even ten years older, get scared of that. I’m Hannah Jeffery and I’m loving, supportive, and caring. There’s a reason your parents love me.
So don’t come to me and say, “I’m busy with school and work but I REALLY like you,” and start dating someone two weeks later… I see through you.
Don’t come to me and say, “It wasn’t real love, we were long distance… I just found someone else,” because even though love is usually verbally conveyed, it’s also felt. I see through you. You loved me.
Don’t tell me, “It’s not you, it’s me,” because all I hear when you say that is, “it’s most definitely you.” And I KNOW that’s true because it is me. I’m too good for you. I’m the girl you want to date in the future.
Maybe I’m wrong with this but the way I see things is that I’m your “someday soon” girl. I’m the girl you want to start dating after you’ve tired yourself from all the partying. I’m the girl you want to bring home to your parents because I have an infectious smile and I’ve “seen the world.” I’m the girl you bring to weddings because you want to impress your friends with your adult relationship. And that’s okay. That makes me happy for you that you see me this way. But it doesn’t mean you can string me along for months, make me fall for you, break my heart, and have me doubt everything we had. I deserve happiness, not heartbreak. I don’t deserve the doubt and anxiety that comes with being lead on by you.
So this is a letter to all the men, boys, and children who have walked into my life and broken my heart. Thank you for the endless nights of tears, Ben and Jerry’s non-dairy ice cream, and Grey’s Anatomy. But I think it’s about time we broke up… It’s not you, it’s me. I deserve a life of happiness and “someday soon” boys. But thank you for teaching me the important lessons of self-discovery and empowerment. Your heartbreak has lead me to paths that have healed me.