He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Growing up, I was constantly labeled the “boy-obsessed” girl. I remember my very first crush so clearly. His name was Jacob and he had curly brown hair and really big eyes. We got married because he loved me too. Of course this was in my kindergarten class nearly 16 years ago but I remember loving him so much with my little six year old heart. Until one day he married my best friend… It’s safe to say that when he switched schools in grade one I wasn’t disappointed. But this first big/small crush started a snowball effect into the rest of my life.
If I could explain crushes as an effect (in my life), they’d go a little like this:
- You see the person. You get the butterflies in your stomach and in your heart. You have a crush.
- You walk up to your crush. You try to speak to said crush. The butterflies flap their wings into your throat and all of a sudden you’re spewing word vomit because of the dang butterflies.
- You stare at your crush all throughout science class, writing their initials with yours in your textbook because maybe someday you’ll have a beautiful wedding on the beaches of Hawaii, have two kids named Jonah and Lillian, and grow old together on a porch staring at the sunset. But then they see you staring at them so you pretend you’re thinking about something or slapping away a fly.
- You finally get the courage to confess your love to them but as you’re walking down the hallway with your head held high and a bounce in your step, you see them holding hands with someone else, looking lovingly into their eyes.
- You cry to your mom for (at least) a week due to this devastating heartbreak.
- You finally get over them because oh, look, it’s another person and it’s more butterflies.
- The vicious cycle repeats.
Tragically, this is the cycle I have been living in for the last sixteen or so years of my life. But I’m not looking for sympathy. I just want to share my story and how I could’ve changed the course of it. Yes, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Does that mean I haven’t experienced true love? No. Love exists in many forms. All those crushes I had throughout the years? It was some form of love. But there is a difference between that sort of love and being in love. And I only knew the difference when I knew what it meant to really be in love. I can honestly say I have only been in love with a person once in my life. At this point, I wouldn’t want it to be anymore. Because the love you feel for that person is special and unique and uncommon. It feels like you’ve been taken up the inside of a cyclone that only spins with sunshine, stars, the moon, and the planets because that person is your whole universe and you are swept up inside them. It makes you want to find the tallest building in the world and scream out how much you love them. This love makes you sad. This love makes you happy. This love makes you experience all of the emotions on the spectrum. This love is devastating when it fades, but it never ends because it is infinite. This love is a part of you because it has shaped you. And when this love comes to its natural close, you can only feel hopeful for the day when you get to experience it again.
But everyone has their own experiences and I would never discredit any of my past crushes. These were the people that taught me what I like/what I don’t like, how I want and deserve to be treated, and how I give and receive love. Maybe those crushes weren’t the “real thing,” but what matters is how real it felt in the moment. My last piece of knowledge I’d like to leave with you this blog post is that you should never discredit any sort of love you feel. Love doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be simple! And it can also exist in many forms. So love BIG and love wide. Take chances and take risks. If you get butterflies in your stomach every time you look at someone, tell them! I take the butterflies as a sign to push myself before it’s too late. As some wise people once said, “all you need is love. Love is all you need.”
And with that, I’m signing off for the day. I shall leave you with lots of love and five of my favorite love songs that will (most definitely) play on my wedding day.
- God Only Knows – The Beach Boys
- The Book of Love – Peter Gabriel
- More Than Words – Extreme
- Turning Page – Sleeping At Last
- Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton