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Peaks and Valleys

Peaks and Valleys

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post. Part of that reason could be because I haven’t felt that there is anything interesting in my life right now to write about. Another reason could be that typing words just aren’t enough to express how I feel sometimes. A quick recap since my last blog post:

-          I started at a new job

-          I dated a psychopath

-          I was single and embraced it.

-          I went on some dates with some guys and ran into old flings

-          I began my last semester of my Hospitality Management Diploma

-          The big bang in my universe happened (very recent, very private, very big change)

A lot has happened. I learned a lot about myself. The number one thing I learned was that I’ve been living in a deep valley for a long time with blind faith that I was at the top of a peak, doing my best. I wasn’t. Last summer, I got terminated from my dream job, experienced an abusive relationship, and faced the epicenter of my 2014 sexual assault. I thought I had landed at rock bottom. There was no way it could get worse. And while my life was happening, while I was “moving forward”, I had no idea that I was actually standing still.

I began seeing a tall, dark, and seemingly handsome man (in hindsight, his charisma and charm fooled me. He wasn’t THAT good-looking). I thought we had so much in common; he travelled the world and so did I, he was spiritual and so was I, he liked music and deep conversations… So did I. But I didn’t believe the Earth was flat. I didn’t believe that Darwin was a hoax. I didn’t believe that Taylor Swift was really just two clones; one bad and one good. I didn’t believe any of his core, central, CRAZY beliefs. But I convinced myself that it didn’t matter because he cared about me and I cared about him.

He didn’t really care that much though because he also cared about two of my other coworkers and slept with another eight. He only cared about himself. If he had cared about me, he wouldn’t have blamed me for my own rape. He wouldn’t have called me idiotic, naïve, and stupid. He wouldn’t have talked down to me or treated me like I was an inferior being. At the end of whatever we were, I stared into his eyes and saw nothing. No emotion, or feeling, or remorse. He truly believed in himself and nothing else.

Ending things with Shaun was when I realized how broken I was. I let someone with so many red flags and warning signs into my life and my trust. In my mind, I deserved to be broken because I let him in. I remained broken and didn’t tell anyone my secret. I didn’t tell my best friends, my sister, or my mom. Most of them still don’t know how much I let myself break.

After… I was single. And I let myself breathe for a moment. And I embraced it. It was December – typically a month for love, warm fires, and kisses under the mistletoe – but I let love go back out into the universe for it to boomerang itself back at me whenever it saw fit. Strangely enough, as soon as I let love go, it came right back at me. I ran into old love and new love. I went on dates with many boys and found that the universe was screaming “IT’S YOUR TIME.” So I let myself flow through the stream and be carried on the path. And I’m still floating. I’m still going on dates and finding out what works for me. It’s all I process. But I found someone who makes me really, really happy. I just hope that I make him happy too.

Here I am. I’m in my final semester of my Hospitality Management diploma. I’m working four days a week, managing five classes and one tutorial, maintaining an active social life, going to the gym six days a week, and opening up my heart to the possibility of love. Most important of all, I’m finding time to take care of my mind. This week I decided to do a big thing. I told my story, and a police officer listened. He took down notes, he asked me questions, and he told me I was brave. I still don’t feel comfortable yet sharing the details but with time, I’ll get there. The moment I told someone everything that’s happened to me was the moment I looked up and saw a peak at the end of my valley. I was (literally) driving in my car after I made the decision to go to the police and on the horizon, though I was driving in the middle of a storm, saw bright blue skies. I saw an end to this chapter of my life.

My #1 intention this year was to love myself first and that’s what I’m doing.

I will be selfish. I will be fierce. I will be angry.

I’ve been sad for too long and I don’t deserve sadness. I deserve retribution and relief. I have a hunger in my stomach. It’s pulling at me to take the reins of my life back.

Xoxo, Hannah.

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